An Interview with the Professor
by MuggleBeene
Summary: Professor Muggle is interviewed for a magazine article about the Potter Adventure Series.  Of course it doesn't come off like he'd hoped.  Set after Professor Muggle and the Lost Witch.


**An Interview with the Professor**

2011

It is hard to not know about Professor Henry Boyd, commonly known as Professor Muggle, the Muggle Studies professor at Hogwarts, but to the uninitiated his story is one of the most compelling in the Post –HWMNBN era. When he first assumed the post of Muggle Studies professor everyone thought he was the first Muggle to ever take the position, a historic event in the long history of Hogwarts. That, however, is when things became rather interesting; a series of events unfolded that not only revealed Professor Boyd's magical heritage but helped defeat the proposed Magical Classification Act in the Wizangamot. Besides being the Head of Hufflepuff House Professor Boyd is the author of _My Wand is Useless_, the Muggle Studies textbook _With the Wandless_ and co-authored the genealogy book _Muggles in the Tree_ with Molly Weasley.

We here at the _Magical Book Review Quarterly_ are pleased to present an interview with the Professor regarding his involvement in the recent developments regarding the identity of the authors of the well-known, and highly questionable, series of books known as the Potter Adventure series. Associate Editor Lindsay Flicknargle sat down with him the other day in his office at Hogwarts for the interview that follows.

Lindsay Flicknargle: Thank you for taking the time to talk to me, Professor.

Professor Henry Boyd: Not at all, I always enjoy reading your publication.

LF: Thank you. If you don't mind I'd like to jump right in. Recently it was revealed that you assisted in the identification of the author of the books that are known as the Harry Potter adventure series. Can you tell us how you became acquainted with the series and your involvement?

HB: Well, let's see. I first found out about them when I visited the Laveau School in New Orleans on a trip to America. Sorry, the UMS. Don't think I'll ever really get used to calling it the UMS. Old habits. When the students found out that I personally knew several of the people that the book characters were based on they asked me a whole bunch of weird questions, and that's when I found out about the series. After that I went and found a dodgy bookstore, bought all of them and spent that night reading. When I came back from the trip I showed them to some people, and that's when the investigation really began.

LF: You mean you showed them to Harry Potter, right?

HB: Yes, he was one of the people. There were others, of course.

LF: But Head Auror Potter was the person you really wanted to show them to, correct? If I remember correctly their treatment of his story is somewhat off-base.

HB: Somewhat? Holy [expletive deleted]. I think the only thing they got right was that Harry has glasses; everything else was pretty much a [expletive deleted] mess. Oh, crap, sorry about the language. Can you edit that out? My wife will let me hear about it if it goes into print that way.

LF: I'm sure we can take care of that. Now, according to my notes you brought the books back sometime in 2008 or early 2009. Why has it taken until now, 2011, for the identity of the authors to be revealed?

[HB looks around nervously for a moment.]

HB: Um, I can't tell you everything, sorry. Auror department secrecy. You know, in case they have to do the same thing again another time they don't want to reveal all their tricks. Not that it was a trick, it's, um, I can't say exactly. We weren't surprised at finding out that Rita Skeeter was the main culprit, but how she did it, now that was a little crazy.

LF: Can you summarize that for our readers?

HB: Um, I guess. Rita Skeeter, who you probably know used to write for _The Daily Prophet_ and managed to write a bunch of crap about Harry back in the day, well, she started reading newspapers and other publications looking for people who felt the same way that she did.

LF: And what was that?

HB: That Harry didn't really do all the things that he did. She thought his story was a fabrication, a great story with a good press agent but that it was [expletive deleted.] She'd tried to take him down with her stories, and she got a lot of notoriety because of it, but when it became obvious to everybody that she was barking up the wrong tree she, well, I'll probably get sued for this but I think she just lost it. [HB twirled his index finger at his head indicating that Ms. Skeeter is insane.] Couldn't take it anymore as her stance on Harry was proven wrong, and the best thing to do would be to admit that she was wrong. Merlin, she wasn't the only one. The stuff the Ministry was putting out then is horrible. Now, remember, I came into this all after everything was gone, after Lord [HWMNBN – ed.] was kaput and all that. All of the things I know are from talking to people first-hand and going back and re-reading old _Prophets_, not to mention the book _Untold Stories of the Second War_. [Tuesday Whipmlet, author. – ed.] It was only after finding out about the Potter Adventure series that I went back and started reading what had been in the press, as the book mentioned Skeeter's articles.

[HB walked over to the window, opened it, returned back to his desk and lit a pipe.]

Can we leave this part out, too? Mel will give me hell if this makes it in the article. Ok, so think about it. You're Rita Skeeter, you've pretty much made your name or improved your standing on being crappy to Harry, who turns out to be, well, Harry Potter. No need to say anything there. But if you're Rita, your credibility is shot. What reader is going to believe anything you write? What do you do? She decided if she couldn't take her revenge in public she'd do it by stealth and by making fun of Harry and everyone else. That's why she started writing the Potter Adventure Series.

LF: You mentioned there were other people involved.

HB: Oh yeah. So remember the part about her reading different newspapers, magazines and crap like that trying to find people who thought like she did? Well, she contacted them and after meeting them they all hatched a scheme. They couldn't come out and attack Harry directly so they went a different route and started writing the Potter Adventure series. One of the reasons that the books are so different in writing talent, tone, language, all of that stuff is that different people wrote different books. It also let them publish them all at once, no waiting for the next book to come out.

LF: Publishing, that leads to another question. All reputable publishing houses have denied being responsible for printing the series. How did the books become published?

HB: That's one reason why they were never initially available in the UK, the printing laws. Yeah, the newspapers and some magazines print a lot of [expletive deleted] but for some reason the Wizarding laws in the UMS aren't as stringent about that. Again, I can't say how they tracked it down, secrecy stuff between the Aurors and the AAB [American Auror Bureau – ed.] but it was this little company in Mississippi, not too far from Louisiana…um, I'd better stop there. Don't want the Aurors or the AAB to send me a nasty owl. Seriously, they send the cranky ones with the not-so-nice letters. I've got the scars to prove it.

LF: Maybe that's an article for _Owl_ _Fancier_, I know an editor there…never mind, back to the book series. For those who have not read the Potter Adventure Series due to its illegality and unavailability, can you give us some of the biggest…

HB: The biggest parts of [expletive deleted]? Sure. I'm not going to go into some things, because, well…

LF: Because of your close ties to the Potter family? You are Albus Potter's godfather, are you not?

HB: Yes, my wife and I are Albus' godparents, but that's not the main reason. Harry, after everything he's been through, not to mention being dragged through the mud by the press at certain times, deserves his privacy. So let's see…ok, the part about dispatching Lord [HWMNBN – ed.] on the back of a dragon? Complete [expletive deleted]. And the part about the multiple girlfriends bit? Sorry, it's only Ginny, always has been. There's a reason why she's his wife. Actually a lot, but I'm not going into that. And Ron Weasley? The authors must have hated Ron because the way they treat him is criminal.

LF: Speaking of that, you gave testimony at the hearing, did you not?

HB: Yes, yes I did. I was the one who brought the series to light outside of America, sorry, the UMS, so I did testify.

LF: But you did not condemn the stories themselves. Why is that?

HB: I'm sort of a writer, so I have a problem with any group or organization of however well-minding people telling authors what they can and can't write. That doesn't mean there are standards. The rules and regulations here regarding what can be published, especially regarding a person without their knowledge, are very well defined. The series isn't satire, and the whole thing about being the official story as detailed from interviews with Harry is a bunch of [string of expletives deleted]. The whole thing was a multi-volume character assassination, plain and simple. By the laws here, and due to the fact that ninety-percent of the writers were from the UK, that means the stories fall under the jurisdiction and laws that we all work within and must abide by. That's also why they're still available in the UMS, for right now.

LF: For right now? I understand you're working with the AAB…

HB: Oh no, not me. I may be a dual-citizen but I've got plenty to do here.

[As proof of the work HB has to do we were interrupted by two students who barely bothered to knock on the door. The dark-headed boy wore Hufflepuff colors while his very pretty blonde female companion wore Gryffindor colors. After discussing something with them the students went over to a bookshelf, pulled two books and showed them to HB and left.]

HB: Sorry about that. They're doing a little extra-credit work for Muggle Studies.

LF: Did that boy's hair change color?

HB: Yes. [Long pause.] Now, what were we talking about?

LF: You're not working with the AAB?

HB: No. Like I said, much too busy. Muggle Studies, family…

LF: I didn't know whether to mention this or not, but since we're on the topic…is it true that you and Mrs. Boyd are expecting again? Twins?

HB: She's gonna kill me. [Pause.] Yes, we're expecting twins.

Melody reached over and hit me on the arm.

"Hank! You're right, I am going to kill you. It was going so well, too. Except that bloody pipe."

I rubbed my arm and squinted at my wife. "Sorry, Mel. You know how I get when…"

"Yes, I know all too well. You talk to someone for ten minutes and then it's like you've known them all your life and you just start blurting things out. I'm just glad we told Mum before this went to print."

I got up from the sofa and went to the kitchen, making sure to avoid my very pregnant wife's withering gaze. I'm not sure how the hell I'd agreed to be interviewed about the Potter Series books, because even after Ian Coswock, my agent, had told me about it I flat out told him no. A week ago I was sitting in my office when the woman from the magazine showed up at my office door. My best guess was that Ian had set everything up and then didn't tell her that I wouldn't do the interview.

I went back to the sofa, this time bearing ice cream and chocolate covered biscuits. "Here. It's what you wanted, right?"

She squinted at me but took the food nonetheless. "You're trying to butter me up."

"Is it working?"

"No."

"Shit." I sat down and didn't say anything. After a few spoons of ice cream and a couple of biscuits Mel looked somewhat calmer, so I picked up the magazine from her lap. "Why don't I read you the rest? There's not much left, I think."

She shrugged. "Fine."

LF: Congratulations to you and Mrs. Boyd. Can you give us any details?

HB: No, I'm afraid not. My wife may, though, in one of her columns in _Witch Weekly_. [Mrs. Melody Boyd is the editor of Witch Weekly.] If you don't subscribe you really should. Good articles, reasonable rates. It's my favorite magazine, you know.

LF: _Witch Weekly_ is your favorite magazine?

HB: Of course.

LF: Before we're finished Professor can you give us a hint on your next book?

HB: As you know my area of expertise, I guess, is being a Muggle. When I started here at Hogwarts I had no idea about things, from the Muggle point-of-view. We're seeing more and more Muggleborn students admitted every day, so currently I'm working on a book to help make the transition from the Muggle world to Hogwarts easier for first year students. We're hoping that it will be available starting at the beginning of 2012.

LF: We're sure that it will be educational not only for the students, but others as well. Professor, you aware that we at _Magical Book Review Quarterly _receive letters from readers regarding questions to authors, are you not?

HB: Um, no, not really. Why?

LF: I have several questions that have been pulled from the correspondence we receive. I'll admit that some of the questions are from a few years ago, but since this is the first time we've had the opportunity to sit down with you would you mind answering some of them?

HB: Ok.

LF: This is from Mildred Halbic. 'Thank you so much for signing my copy of _My Wand is Useless_ at Flourish & Blotts. After reading the book I have to admit that I felt that the posters for the event seemed like false advertising, as they suggested more of a love triangle between Melody Bramble and a blonde woman who…

HB: Look at the time. [Stands up from desk chair.] I'm sorry, I remembered that I've got to go down and help Professor Longbottom with a particularly difficult replanting.

I looked over to Mel and she rolled her eyes at me. "Ok, that was a bit much. Reasonable rates? I know you only read my column, too."

"I panicked, ok? I've got to get points for not talking about…"

She took a hold of my chin and kissed me on the cheek. "Very well done. Well, not very well done at all, very obvious, but thank you." Mel gave me a smirky, knowing smile. "So what did Neville need help with?

"Nothing. I went down to the greenhouse and hid out for a while in case she hung around trying to ask me more questions. I ended up just bs-ing with Nev for an hour or so and actually did hand him some stuff. Forgot the gloves, though."

"That would explain the rash. It was Teddy that borrowed the book during your interview, wasn't it? Who was with him?"

"Yeah, it was Teddy. Victoire was with him. I'm going to have to send an owl to Andromeda, not to mention Bill & Fleur, though. After they left I didn't think anything about it, but yesterday I went over to the bookshelf to get something to read and noticed some books out of place."

Mel lowered her chin and looked at me over her glasses. "What did they borrow?"

"They switched the dust jackets on me. The books are about the same size, and…"

"Henry…"

I sighed. "They took the first two volumes of the Potter Adventure series."


End file.
